Saturday, April 12, 2014

25 Better Endings for Mass Effect 3 (Spoiler-free)

No secrets a lot of people found the ending to Bioware's last entry in the Mass Effect trilogy more than a little dissapointing  (Like typing death threats with fingers covered in Cheeto Dust kind of disappointing).  There are no spoilers here.  I'm writing this so you will feel just as betrayed as everyone else was when this game was released.  I care to much to that that from you.

  1. Shepard defeats the Reapers and they all live happily every after.  They go buy some beer and have a gay old time.  (That's what people wanted right?)
  2. Shepard says "Screw this" and flies off to another galaxy that doesn't have Reapers (and maybe even glow-in-the-dark woman, that would be fun!)
  3. Shepard falls out of a space ship riding on the back of the crucible waving a cowboy hat and blows them up ala Dr. Strangelove.
  4. The Reapers start watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and realize how insensitive they've been behaving all this time.
  5. Shepard wakes up to find Bobby Ewing in the shower who tells them the Reapers were all a dream.
    And my younger readers collectively say "I don't get it"
  6. The screen pauses at the ending and says "Insert Disc 3".  Since there is no Disc 3 EA will sell it to you at a later date for 60 dollars.
  7. Shepard gets gunned down by a spurned lover and the final act you resume control as Blasto.
  8. Shepard confronts the Emperor of the Reapers while the Vorcha take down several of them on a forest moon using cartoonish traps made from logs.
  9. The council read H.G Welles War of the Worlds and assume that they just need to wait for the viruses to kill the invading tripods.
  10. The Reapers confess they were just trying to liberate their organic earthling brethren, the cuttlefish.
    Our numbers will ink the sea of every world.
  11. The save the ending for the Wii U version at least giving players proper incentive to buy it.
  12. The characters do nothing to stop the Reapers but spend one heck of the last few months partying like there's no tomorrow.
  13. Bioware remembers they aren't directing Neon Genesis Evangelion and a complete mind screw may not be the best way to end a story based in grounded humanity.
  14. Shepard retreats to a backwoods asteroid where no Reapers ever go and forms of a harem full of all of his girlfriends.  He smokes cigars in his hot tub, wearing sunglasses with two woman in his arms.
  15. Shepard finds a portal to the world of Star Wars: The Old Republic and uses it's remaining playerbase to form an offensive.
  16. Everyone gets all the Reapers into one place, put someone innocent looking between them all, then when they fire their lasers they all hit each other in one big circle of lasery doom.
  17. They discover one refrigerator magnet on a Reaper is enough to scramble it's core.
  18. They take the children's cartoon approach where the secret weapon to defeating the Reapers.. IS LOVE.
  19. Jack leaves profanity laced rants on the Reaper's facebook pages, they get their feelings hurt and they try to distance themselves from people for a bit.
  20. Shepard gives an inspirational speech to the Reapers about the great things their galaxy has to offer.  This touches their mechanical hearts and they realize they have no right to rob the universe of their contributions.  
    Hamburgers made with doughnuts and fried eggs.  One of many wonderful things to come out of the Milky Way galaxy that would be lost of the Reapers went through with their plans.
  21. The true ending is only revealed if Shepard follows the hidden Reaper romance subplot.  Where they have a child together due to his Cerberus-built body able to develop Reaper DNA.  This newfound union between two radically different cultures creates a bond that ends the conflict.
  22. Steven King takes over righting and it turns out the big alien spiders were actually clones played by Tim Curry.
  23. Wrex kills all the Reapers (He could do it.  You know this is true.)
  24. Mass Effect 1 NPCs drive the Reapers into a suicidal state by constantly barking "Enemies Everywhere!"  "Go go go!"  and "You must die."
  25.  Everyone dies.  (Hey closure is better than confusion)
"I like the one that involved the harem"

Friday, April 11, 2014

Poetry Time! "Ode to a Blobfish"

Your body is viscous, barely substantial.
Your face shows a life of sorrow.
To pick you up it would be quite a handful,
Like gripping some living beef tallow.

No one understands you, they think you're a slob,
A sentient mass of mucus.
Don't worry friend now, you're still MY blob.
Their hazing will be fruitless.

Animeciated: Azumanga Daioh

  I've spent many years estranged from the world of wide-eyes, insane hair colour spectrums and robots galore for a while now.  I've grown hungry for anime and now my appetite is being sated.  Welcome to Animeciated.  Where I make up for lost time in the years I've ignored the medium.

Original Manga written by Kiyohiko Azuma
Anime by J.C.Staff

  Where as my last review looked at something recent I thought I'd step back a bit and give my thoughts on one of my all-time favorites from the past.  The show that helped lift me up when I was going through a very rough patch in my life.

  I'm going to start off by saying I don't like the "Cute girls doing cute things" genre.  I often feel that's overly pandering with the same stock characters over and over.  This is indicative of anime as a whole but there are good exceptions where shows break the mold.

  Azumanga Daioh was a show before there was even a mold.  Before we had girls referencing the latest anime to have the otakus giggle at their recognition there were shows like this.  Azumanga Daioh in my opinion the most timeless slice of life high school comedy I've ever seen.

  Best to start from the most important part of any story, the plot and it's characters.  Azumanga takes place in the same generic high school you've seen in a million anime.  There's a pool, there's classes, there's halls.  It's pretty much familiar to most people who have followed this kind of genre.

  It's here where or gang of misfits meet.  There's Chiyo, an unnaturally gifted 10 year old admitted to high school due to her prodigy status.  Osaka, a slow-minded, peculiar girl with a strange insight on the world.  Tomo, a hyperactive sports jock who's best friends with Yomi the stern, studious girl with self-confidence issues regarding her weight.  Sakaki is a tall, mysterious one who's fond of animals (who are not fond of her) who's constantly being crushed upon by Kaorin, the schools resident uhh..  Ask Ellen Degeneres.  Adding to the mix are three quirky teachers.  The childish and impulsive Miss Yukari, her mature counterpart Miss Minamo and the only male (and naturally perverted) teacher Mr. Kimura.

Osaka marvels over the mechanics of Chiyo's pigtails.
  What follows is a series of slice of life escapades about hiccups, vendor machines that don't work properly and failing at volleyball.  I could go on more but this is something you'll have to see for yourself to truly appreciate.  Remember all the issues I mentioned with the "Cute girls doing cute things" genre?  Well what makes Azumanga Daioh work is it's substance.

Yes this is substance, allow me to elaborate.
  Now this is all subjective as different people relate to different things, but Azumanga Daioh to me represents all the doldrums and awkward moments of youth.  So many shows of this genre rely on other forms of fiction to tell a story where this show to me showcases events applicable to just about anyone who's had friends not just Otaku.

  The show puts very little emphasis on the academic side of high school and instead showcase the girls goofing off during break period, making costumes and plush toys for the culture festivals and celebrating their summer's together in a variety of activities.  We've all had a friend who kept to himself or had a friend who didn't know when to shut up and whenever characters do anything (well almost) it makes you think "Hey.  That reminds me of the time..."

Sakaki takes Chiyo's Cat-like father who is also a bulletproof Santa Claus for a walk.  This show does have it's moments of surrealism.
  One thing most endearing about this show is it's fine line between absurdity and grounded human interaction.  Much of this show's best moments come from the slow scenes which allow the audience to soak in a very atmospheric sense of nostalgia.  When the show does lapse into the bizarre it's either through a dream or Osaka's unique way of seeing the world.  Even when this show does get strange there's always something that ties it to the world this show creates.  Not once did I feel my investment get derailed.

  Now for my complaints.  This is one of those shows I saw when I was about 14 and felt like I needed to be validated as an adult.  To me that meant anime with guns, swords, violence.  I watched the first episode and was so put off by my own insecurity that I didn't touch it again for a few years.

  How is this a complaint?  Well despite being a shonen anime (largely marketed to teen boys) the first episode to me features some jarring cases of girly pandering.  I was surprised how often when I rewatched it I skipped the first episode entirely.  Yes we know Chiyo is cute, a goofy cooking song adds nothing.  This show is at it's best when it's just people being people.  I didn't get that vibe till the second episode.  It's a minor complaint really and doesn't wreck the series.

Am I the only one who felt this scene was annoying?

  To some it all up.  It's a really good show.  If you are wanting a slice of life anime featuring cute girls but are tired of the excessive merchandise driven approach with gags and in-jokes you will probably find this show refreshing.  It's a very "feel good" type of show that makes you sad when it ends.

Final Score?


                             4/5 - Good

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Animeciated: Witch Craft Works Review

  I've spent many years estranged from the world of wide-eyes, insane hair colour spectrums and robots galore for a while now.  I've grown hungry for anime and now my appetite is being sated.  Welcome to Animeciated.  Where I make up for lost time in the years I've ignored the medium.

Original Manga written by Ryu Mizunagi
Anime by Studio J.C Staff

Genre: Comedy/Romance

  Now I'm just gonna out and say it.  I watched this show right after finishing Attack on Titan.  A show very much built on pathos, fear and tension.  I was looking for something more bright, colorful and entertaining.  I did get this from Witch Craft Works.  What I didn't get was a story I had any reason to care for.  This is a show with style over substance but I'm going to break it down why the best way I possibly can.

Our wish fulfillment, I mean "Couple" for the series.

  The best thing that can be said about Witch Craft Works is that it gets how to make a show that's pure pandering work without being overly explicit or dependent on fanservice.  It's a show where "Generic Everyman #1416" or Honoka Takimiya is taken under the wing of a fire sorceress named Ayaka Kagari after they meet in high school.

  What follows is a string of bizzare events that are entertaining to watch, but as the show continues it becomes increasingly ludicrous until it's lost so much footing that your questions begin to dampen any kind of emotional connection you had with the plot.

  Both Kagari and Tamimiya get caught up a civil war between the Workship Witches (His new beau's clan) and the destructive Tower Witches.  Here in lies one of my problems with the series.  When you are going for the whole "Everyman" who enters a world of magic and wonder unlike his own, to make it work you need to establish a sense of logic that can keep the audience connected to what is going on or else the lack of rules breaks the immersion.

  There's two witch clans fighting each other over everything with Takimiya completely oblivious to the whole thing despite everyone in the town seems to know that witches are a thing.  How is this hidden to our protagonist?  It jumps from 0 to 100 way to quickly and it quickly destroys it's foundation before it really gets going.

Want believability in your "Boy finds magic world" story?  Read Harry Potter.
  The most difficult part of giving a brief synopsis of what I just watched is that I'm not quite even sure what it is I watched.  There are several side characters in both witch houses but besides their neat aesthetic and one-note personalities there's nothing to really to say about them besides "They are entertaining."

  This was a very "turn your brain off" show and when I relaxed, enjoyed the pretty visuals and laughed at it rather than with it was a ton of fun.

  I've heard people give this show praise for being a role reversal of the traditional "hero protects naive young girl" situation.  While I don't deny this I feel that isn't as great an achievement as people let on.  If this was better written and was a traditional fantasy story about protecting the innocent and wasn't a comedy I feel this could have really meant something.

  When I really stop and think about it Witch Craft Works is a show that's meant to give the often social awkward and introverted anime fan (including me) a form of escapist fantasy.  If you were to tell an introverted nerd "Hey.  Imagine a busty woman with magic powers would take you away and allow you to live forever in a world of magic.  Just you and her." what do you think would be the reaction?

"It's almost like he thinks this show is silly."

  Now for my praise of this series.  It is really nice to look at.  Very lively, very vibrant.  No shortage of color and attention to detail.  This is a well-produced show.  From Kagari's fantastic fire spells to the surreal nightmare dimensions they often find themselves.  It's obvious that they wanted this to be very entertaining, visually appealing candy.

  That's the word to describe this show.  Candy.  The characters are flat (Definately not in THAT way) and I have nothing really of interest to say about them but their designs are cool and you can tell it wasn't just something they through out with absolutely no thought at all.

I came for a world of magic and wonder and I got witches dinking around with karaoke.

  Despite all my criticism.  The dull characters, the nonsensical plot, the complete lack of any tension I was entertained enough to watch all 12 episodes which says a lot about me as I usually give a show one episode to wow me.  This kept me coming back even when I know this was a dumb show.

  Will I ever watch it again?  No.  Will I look back on it?  Maybe as one of the few shows I enjoyed following my return to anime.

  Do I recommend it to anyone?  Well this show will cater to a very specific type of otaku.  If you want some silly shlock with a bit of fantasy romance it's..  Okay.  I'm sure there's better things out there.  It's harmless and surprisingly inoffensive for a show that could just boil down to shameless sexual fanservice.  They actual had standards in that regard and thus I'd recommend it over a lot of shows out there.

Final Score?


3/5 - Passable

The Dark Truth Behind: Princess Peach

  Chances are if you've played games as long as I have, you have saved at least one princess.  It's a story that dates back as far as you can go.  The damsel in distress, the dashing hero, the evil dragon/king.  There is no better example of this trope in video games than Princess Peach.  But I'm going to suggest to you, that there is something far deeper at play than the simple-sounding story would suggest.

  I am going to go far, far deeper.  Examining a rather disturbing trend of hers which I think needs to be addressed.

  Princess Peach is no damsel.  She is a severely insecure woman who's very approach to her politics, social life and self-image is dependent on being validated by others in the most extremely unhealthy ways.  Stuck in a vicious self-destructive lifestyle of being abducted only to be rescued.  Never making any effort to bolster security or deal with the threat at hand permanently.

  Many people have brought this up before.  I am hardly the first to suggest that Peach either accepts and embraces being kidnapped as a fact of life.  I want to gather bits and pieces from whatever games I have to gain some insight into her problem.

  I think the best place to start is with the Nintendo DS game Mario & Luigi: Partners in Crime.  It's the best example I can find for an early sign of developing emotional issues.

Peach was not a happy baby

  This game, as well Yoshi's Island DS feature the few glimpses into Peach's younger years.  Granted she was only a baby and her real social development hasn't begun but it is the closest we have to a lead to verify my theories.

  Throughout Partners in Time, Baby Peach is shown to be extremely temperamental and unhappy.  Constantly on the verge of tears when not crying already and only was broken free of that funk when adults around her were either hurt or forced to perform elaborate tricks.  Who were those two receive the brunt of the pain?  Why it was Mario was Mario and Luigi, visiting from the future.

  Peach, at a very young, developing age learned to stop crying by forcing these two brothers to bend to her whim.  Only then did she smile and laugh.  What the Mario Brothers didn't realize is that little time paradox created some real issues when they returned.

  Fate was set in motion and Peach would instinctively rely on subservience for gratification, allowing herself to be inadequately defended just so her selfish impulse can be satisfied.

  I have less to say about Super Princess Peach though I think it's probably better at showcasing her fragile state of mind at face value.  When the roles have been reversed and Mario has been kidnapped, her mind begins to fracture and her mood is in a constant state of flux.

  Throughout the game all her abilities are based on emotional states.  Happiness, sadness, anger, laughter.  When her system of "Get kidnapped, feel good that they come rescue me" is compromised she has a breakdown.  Crying, laughing and generally acting like a maniac all the way untill the end of the game.  Her little game is saved and she can go back to getting kidnapped.

Scream all you want Peach.  You're just crying out for attention.

  Peach has a textbook case of Dependent Personality Disorder.  She can't lose Mario.  It's the only thing holding her fragile mind together.  She needs constant proof that he cares even if it means jeopardizing the lives of herself and everyone in her kingdom.

  What should be done.

  Mario needs to sit her down, discuss on options to either strengthen her defense or in a less humane scenario try to rid the world of her captor.  They need to plan long term.  Perhaps negotiation with the koopas is probably a plan of action.  Bowser's clearly infatuated with her.  Perhaps he just needs a friend.

There are steps.  But one should never reward bad behavior.  Peach is equally at fault and a line needs to be drawn where Mario says "This is when I'll stop rescuing you"

Why this is Great: Super Metroid (1994 Super Nintendo Entertainment System)

Yes I am updating this site no one follows again.  That one kid in New Hampshire and those two sherpas in Nepal who were actually looking for sites on Zebu care are probably the only ones who've been here so far.

This is "Why this is Great".  A section of the site where I break down why something is well..  more than good.

Now you may have heard about "Them new fangled games on video tape" the kids are all into these days and like many people from my generation, I spent my youth as far away from sports as possible surrounded in the glow of my old standard definition Panasonic screen, engrossed in digital worlds.  Forget how hard you could hit a ball off of a tee, I wanted to know how to exploit critical hit glitches in Final Fantasy IV.  It was the way of the nerd back then.

So I could give you the whole history lecture about every single game I've played but that's not why I'm here.  I'm here to gush about one of the great games of all time, and my pick for my all-time favorite game..

Home Improvement on SNES.

A real game changer.

  Yes indeed.  One of the most grandiose games every to hit the small screen, it tells a powerhouse story about the schisms between genders, what it means to be human and brings up the fascinating hypothetical of a world where people and dinosaurs coexist.

Tim Taylor executes a dinosaur with a point blank shot to the head, making us question the ethics of a forced extinction.

  Okay enough joking.  I do enough of that.  Time for me to get to the point I was planning to make before I felt the need to get cute.  Super Metroid is the game I meant to talk about.  I thought of several ways I could go through why this game is considered a masterpiece and I decided against using any of my personal history or nostalgia as you can go on any message board and see fanboy gushing.

  Video games are a medium that is meant to great a sense of a immersion.  This game is renown for it's immersion so I'm going to focus on three key senses.  Seeing, hearing and feeling.  Hearing and seeing are easy to explain but feeling will be a bit more esoteric so please bear with me.

Sense #1:  Seeing

From the ambient glow of the background walls to the richly textured sprites of the monsters, you feel like you're on an alien world.

  Graphics are the most superficial aspect of a video game.  More often than not it's looked at as the major factor of whether or not the world is "convincing".  It's difficult trying to plug a game that is twenty years old as being "good graphics" by today's standards but I'm going to go into a bit of my philosophy regarding graphics as a tool in game design.

  Many people I feel have programmed themselves to view the quality of graphics as "how close it is to resembling real life".  I feel this is a very simplistic approach to a tool that can be used to achieve far more than it usually does.  A bit part of graphics to me is creative art direction and execution with the tools available.

  As far as I can remember, marketers have advertised their systems as offering the "most real" graphics and while I'm the first to say games like Grand Theft Auto V look amazing, games are less and less willing to step out of this comfort zone and create something surreal and imaginative.  This is largely due to market uncertainty.  You take a risk and fail you have a lot more to lose with budgets as high as they are.

  Now I believe more cartoonish games with huge budgets can in fact be successful.  Movies like Frozen, Up and Toy Story are wildly popular with children and adults alike because good stories and animation should be seen as universal appeals.  So where am I going with all this?

  Super Metroid is a game that worked with what the system had and created a truly beautiful game.  It should be looked at for what it is not what people think "It should be" based on modern perceptions of how games "have" to look in order to be relevant.  I doesn't need blood spewing from the monsters, it doesn't need cut scenes and a big booming Hollywood score.  I would actually argue these would be detriments if this game were ever remade.

  Games try so hard to be movies now and while I'm all for those types of approaches to presentation in some games, I feel that Super Metroid is a game that uses it's visuals for the perfect show-don't tell approach.  More games need to adapt this mentality and allow the game to speak for itself.

Sense 2:  Hearing

From the eerie music, to the churning of water to the powerful sonic screams of Samus running.
  This is a game that has perfected the "Know when to be quiet and know when to be loud" approach to sound design.  The music goes from jazzy to upbeat to hauntingly silent at just the right time to bring a sense of tension that was rare at the time.

  It's not a game of sensory overload.  It's not there to show some fireworks and make the audience say "Ooh" and "Aah.".  It works with the Super Nintendo's versatile sound chip to create something truly special to many people.

  I think the reason the sound works so well in this game is how it's infused perfectly with the games pacing. Since this game is all about exploration the emotional impact is largely based on first impressions. Discovering a new area feels rewarding when the audio tells you "This place is very imposing" or "This place feels dead but with an lingering presence".  Good music uses cues to tell the player information about where they are without a single line of exposition.  It's hard to pull off but this game does it.

  Equally impressive as the music is it's effective use of sound effects.  The digitized shrieks, roars and chirps of the beasts you encounter make them feel alive which, which admittedly is something newer games do much better.

  It's difficulty putting into words good sound design as hearing it is the key to understanding it.  Best thing I can do is suggest you play it yourself.

Sense 3: Feeling

Oh the wonderful horrors of Tourian

Mass Effect is still awesome.  Not dissing Mass Effect.

   Now this last one will be the most extensive and go into why, as a whole this game is treasured so much.  Gameplay, cultural impact and the like.  Why so many people, decades after it's release are still playing it and loving it.

  Super Metroid, is in many peoples opinion, the ultimate "replayable" game.  Your first time through it could take you as many as 12 hours to get through if you get lost easily and dink around trying to find everything you can.  Your second time, the game could be completed in three hours.

  Why is this important?  Well this is a game that condenses itself for easily appreciation.  Once you know where you're supposed to go and what you need to do by your knowledge of the game.  It's as long as you want to make it and once it's mastered it can be repeated in about an afternoon.

  What this has done is make Super Metroid the greatest speed run game of all time.  No other game has achieved a competitive scene like this in the field of speed runs.  What is a speed run you might ask?  Well it's a race to get through the game in record time.  The game keeps track of your completion time and this has spawned and endless ammount of competitive Super Metroid players.

  This is probably it's biggest contribution from a cultural standpoint.  Castlevania, Mario, Zelda.  They all received speed run communities but most say it was this game to inspire the idea of the player maximizing their efficiency to the be the absolute best.

  If Super Metroid was a big 20+ hour adventure epic like Final Fantasy VI (another amazing game) I don't feel it would continue to have this place in peoples hearts as "This ancient game I still play almost every year".  Amazing your fist time, digestible and easy to appreciate later on.

  Like reading a book you really want to focus on every word and appreciate the detail.  When you know everything you occasionally skim, love all the same but it goes by quicker.  That's this games secret.  That's why it is so beloved.

So I hope I've given at least my understanding of why this game is great and I hope to do it again with other titles.  But for now I have a fruit punch calling my name. ~

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Coprofilmia: Nukie

Way, way back in the mysterious and ancient time of 2002 my high school social studies teacher got his students in a discussion about a very serious topic that is still relevant today.  Nuclear war.  While the cold war is long over this was still something worth discussing with students who are entering a world filled with uncertainty.  Things could change at a drop of the hat.  I was young and naive and was more interested in making jokes about radiation giving people super powers than the actual devastating effect it has on the planet and it's people.  Years later I've learned to stop worrying and love the bomb but there is something far more terrifying than the nuke, a creature from a hellish void in dark space sent to devastate and annoy the unsuspecting population of our insignificant world.  It's not the nuke that scares me, it's the "Nukie"

But wait!  What is this "Nukie" you ask?  Why is this somehow worse than the gross abuse of God's creation that was splitting the atom?  If anyone is out there reading this, I do apologize.  You will feel a deep sinking in the pit of your stomach for you are witnessing the true face of terror.  The unholy creation that is Nukie.

                                       Neurofibromatosis has not been kind to Tommy Pickles

There have been a lot of interpretations of aliens throughout human history?  Would they be smart?  Would they be violent?  What could they teach us?  The movie Nukie, a South African knockoff of the Steven Spielberg classic "E.T: The Extraterrestrial" tells us that they are smart enough to master interstellar travel, but give them a boot filled with water and they would require a 12 hour lecture from acclaimed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking before they even come close to learning how to pour it out.

So let's begin shall we?

The movie starts with two twinkling lights up in space conversing about the goings on on Earth.  It was at this point I was hoping one of the lights would be named Clarence and he was being sent to keep Jimmy Stewart from ending his life.  I wish I was that lucky.  In fact these are two space aliens by the names of Nukie and Miko.  If one of them is a Japanese shrine maiden this movie could have had potential, at least then we could have spawned some sweet Nukie and Miko dating sims.  But when I stop to think about romancing these aliens in Mass Effect I realize how much I'd rather make out with a compost heap.

                Clarence, we've found an even more depressing movie for you to be involved in.

Because of their atrocious GPS system or whatever these stunted putty patrollers use to navigate both Nukie and Miko land on different parts of the world.  Nukie lands in South Africa while Miko lands in America.  Nukie spends much of this movie stumbling around like a drunken idiot in the savannas of Africa while Miko spends the bulk in a laboratory run by the vague American institute known as the "Space foundation".  What follows is a confusing slog involving talking animals, starving african children and a nun helping people on the set of M.A.S.H.

                                         Because suicide is painless, unlike watching Nukie.

Nukie meets these stereotypical tribal children who coincidentally speak the same language as him.  At least in E.T. the creature slowly learns and adapts to English.  Maybe Nukie has one of those universal translation badges used in science fiction so the writer doesn't have to explain how these different races can talk to eachother.

                                          Shedding a tear for the portrayal of their people.

Nukie and Miko are trying to find each other and I can only guess why these two golem scrotums can communicate with eachother perfectly in the vacuum of space and are hopeless on Earth is that either the double eyes they keep in god knows what part of their bodies are dead or Nukie can't get any bars on his alien wifi out in the deserts of Africa.  Either way is stupid because I'm forced to watch these fermented Garbage Pail Kids go nowhere fast for a run time that I could spend doing something more productive, like cutting myself.

                            There really needs to be a more efficient way to get rid of worms.

During this whole affair Miko is lying in a ventilation tent with two Gogurt tubes up his nose I assume (and hope) are pumping him full of harsh sedatives.  Like any story where people find aliens they have to use the whole "The government owns this creature.  They are going to do horrible tests on him.  Who's the real monster?  Why can't we all get along" shtick I've heard 735.88 trillion times (not a true estimate).

                                    They don't even give Miko the dignity of a hospital gown.

You know District 9 was a story taking place in South Africa and it told it's message of rights abuses and unethical science infinitely better.  I like to think the people working on that movie were at one of their Hollywood pot parties were pigging out on saltines and antipasto watching Nukie and thinking "Maaahn... I'm high but this still isn't good.  We should do this concept better.."

                                                If only Claritin worked on their species.

Eventually Nukie finds a couple of young African children, dressed in their best Resident Evil 5 attire and it's here I have to address the elephant in the room.  South Africa and the whites perception of blacks.... HOLY CRAP I'm stopping there as I almost started a fire.  Moving on!

                                          Mixing a fresh bowl of Plagas for Chris Redfield.

Nukie meets a talking monkey... *stares into glass of Mountain Dew*  Ahem..  Nukie meets a talking monkey.  Yes.  We've gone from bizarre attempts at social commentary and the ethics of treating alien life to something right out of MVP:  Most Vivisected Primate.  We're on monkey on the loose movie territory people.  It's better than talking dog movies but not by much.  It's at this point I run to fetch the Oxycontin but this time I just sat through it letting my mind become a blur.  I start to forget what I'm watching and my brain sort of becomes this bland stream of consciousness.

                                          Diddy Kong should have never signed on for this.

It was about the moment when Nukie had a dance number I started to reflect on my life.  Wanting to start this blog.  Was it the right idea?  It's like having a bad day at work your first day of the office.  Then I realized it's not the same.  I mean to entertain on many fronts, the good and the bad.  I just chose to torture myself day one.  It will be over soon.

                      I think the African children were actually crying at the sight of this thing.

After a lot of bonding between alien and ethnic stereotype Nukie realizes he can go fly to Miko.  So either he forgot he had this power or he didn't want to interrupt his iTunes download of Saturday Night Fever on his teleport module for extra battery power needed to fly west.

                        This movie was even less flattering to catholics than The Da Vinci Code

This was the point in the movie where I entered a brief coma.  When I woke up, credits rolling, my mouth tasted of cigarettes (which was weird because I don't smoke) and I felt like I was just roughed up by a 7 foot tall Turkish bar hooligan named Armen Hakkim.  All I know is this movie hurt me.  It taught me that even if North Korea and Iran have the bomb, the world is plunged into a devastating age of nuclear fire, I can take comfort knowing that if there are aliens, they aren't Nukie and Miko.   This creatures don't exist.  I'd take tribal warmonger aliens with latex ridges on their foreheads than these.. conjuring of a fever dream any day.

I feel your pain, your anguish child.  I really do.